Building Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence gets a lot of buzz. Leaders who are looking to grow are often told that leadership all starts with emotional intelligence. Indeed “EI” leads to resonate leadership, increased ability to influence others, and can drive a satisfying culture of connection and performance. But how do you actually build these skills?
While we are quick to embrace learning new technical skills, growing in ways that feel tied to our sense of self can be tough.
Here are the first steps to building emotional intelligence skills.
The Main Idea
Emotional intelligence is categorized by two dimensions: Awareness and Management
Awareness is an observational practice
Management is a behavioral one
When awareness and management are applied to the self and to others, we have the basic building blocks of increasing emotional intelligence.
Becoming better at managing your behaviors, and having better impact, starts with self-awareness. And self-awareness starts very simply; by recognizing and naming your emotions. And, like many things, this one sounds easier than it often is.
Learning from the Master (or “What is Wrong with My Kid?”)
Organizing old boxes, I came upon a stack of drawings by my son when he was four. They were self-portraits in red-marker, with bold lines and giant gritted teeth; the outstretched figures were labeled “AGRE” (a sounded-out approximation of angry). Seeing them, I remembered the stage of the prolific “AGRE” drawings, found scattered around the house, produced by a kid that by all measures seemed happy and at peace with life. As a mother, all of this bold anger was daunting. “What is wrong with my kid?” I wondered. Over time the “AGRE” drawings stopped and my worry subsided.
Connecting with my Inner Four-year Old
A few weeks after finding the old drawings, I was having an “off day”. Frustrated at a number of things and generally destabilized by the national climate and pandemic, my resilience felt low and my fuse was short. Snappy and off-kilter to start, one small incident with a faulty product and I swirled into an emotional whirlpool. My pre-frontal cortex, that part of the brain tied to reason (aka your inner Jiminy Cricket) tried to put the problem in perspective. I knew this was a little thing, but that wasn’t helping. Direly needing self-regulation, I stalked off to be alone. Closing my office door, I saw a stack of paper and a cup of markers. Remembering my son’s drawings more than a decade ago, I immersed myself in my very own “ANGRY” drawing.
Self-Awareness- Curiosity and Acceptance
As I drew, I thought about how I was feeling. Anger was one part of it, but behind the anger was my need for stability, control, and normalcy. I tapped into the “off feeling”. As I drew, I realized that by giving my feelings a name and shape, I was able to understand them better. I smiled as I added colors to the page, now having a little fun. I felt more in control. I was calmer.
EI starts with knowing how you are feeling. Putting emotions onto the page allowed me to claim them.
To know how you are really feeling, to get beyond that background “off” sense, you don’t have to get out markers, but you do have to tap into your feelings and explore them. Leave the self-judgement behind. When you approach your feelings with curiosity and acceptance, they become helpful data.
